this is all feeling it's feeling like a whir and a mess and an upside-down backwards universe where everything is the plainest most awful form of itself. I want to go back to heartache and hurting and caring and wishing and loving and wanting. I want to be able to make things and yearn for things and feel things. I want all of the falsity to go away. I miss listening. I miss this feeling. I want to go away. I am so stuck now, more than I ever was...I never really was before and I feel stupid for saying that. I don't even have words anymore. I've killed my mind and my emotions and my wanting and my everything. I am a fool.