This is old

Thanksgiving Dinner I feel like I'm all spit and fire but that fire will burn out someday and then I'll just be a pool of saliva on the dirty ground. You lift your fork from your plate and stare into my face with a curious, scientific look in your eye and stab between my ribs, twist and crunch against the bones, fork tines pulling and ripping flesh. It hurts. Especially when you stop suddenly, and go back to eating your dinner like nothing has happened, I sit with blood dripping from my chest, wincing as I try to pull air into my punctured lung, a slight bubbling, rasping sound coming with each attempted breath. I watch you chew and sip so meticulously.. I hope you choke.

heart...stop
so fast it's become a whirring buzz in my chest
that clicks and pauses when I think of you
then resets to the dizzying pace
my head feels so light and airy
there's tiny animals dancing lightly on my arms and chest
I can reach through your skin
your fingers link through mine and make everything safe
where have you been
I knew the second I saw you I have been making mistakes
and that I had found a matching piece to my puzzle
I couldn't keep my eyes off of your face
I wanted to take in every single freckle and line
I didn't want to miss a smile or a word
I stared at the line between your chest and your arm
and thought of how perfect it was although just a random part of you
I want your voice back in my ear
your twinkling horribly mischievous eyes looking back at mine
I can't even explain with my tired mind right now
I just know I found something I want
and I can't think of much else

for the birds

someone made me smile
and then I started drawing birds
crudely lined little cartoons
silly whimsical curious creatures
that put the smile on my face
like him
I feel like they're flying all
around my head
not dizzying but fluttering
my face and hair softly
with their tiny yellow wings
I want to make you things
I want to fill the space around us
with things that flutter
so you can feel this
so you can dissolve into the air with me

click, whirrr........

I fall in love over airwaves and phone lines.  I can't remember the last time I had feeling I could feel.  It's slow at first but coming quicker now, tingling and shaking. I think, I think I'm alive...

It's all become a nothing now.  There seems to be nothing left here but a hollow, empty shell.  There is a slight curiosity as to where everything has gone... wasn't there once a viscious hate and a bristling , seething fire that couldn't wait for opportunities to strike out and lacerate and burn anything that came close enough?  Is it miraculously gone, disappeared...or has it evaporated or sublimated into another form...or is it there but masked and hidden so far down that not even the tiniest glint of light or air can reach it...  Should searching take place, should it be uncovered or found again?  Or would that bring back the potentially apocolyptic storm that once reigned over every day and night?  Should asking even be an option...

this is all feeling it's feeling like a whir and a mess and an upside-down backwards universe where everything is the plainest most awful form of itself. I want to go back to heartache and hurting and caring and wishing and loving and wanting. I want to be able to make things and yearn for things and feel things. I want all of the falsity to go away. I miss listening. I miss this feeling. I want to go away. I am so stuck now, more than I ever was...I never really was before and I feel stupid for saying that. I don't even have words anymore. I've killed my mind and my emotions and my wanting and my everything. I am a fool.

I'm sorry

I have more. an interrupted stream of sparking electrons
whispers tendriling slowly outward and wrapping around me
you...
surprise me
and...
not.

and then again.


and I can't stop

let's
ta;ke the time
make the ti'me
break time
I want to jump through the surface separating and
live in the other dimension for a while
I haven't figured out how yet but it seems more and more possible
if you ask me again I might make it there
i might never come back