all my wonder is gone

I could sit all day
and wait for you to grace the room
down the stairs like they're
not there
lace your hands in your strings

oh back room breathing
dissipating feelings of static
interactive thoughts and speaking
show me all the way through this thing, love

show me all the things you love, love
show me how to care
you can break each bone with careful fingers
shatter me with breaths of air

it's...

1, 2, 1, 2
fuzzy inside my head
like a blissful tingling static from a television
tickling my skin my brain spins labyrinths of splendorous thought
do you feel the space there all around you pressing in and pulling out your shape
melt and meld with the humidity in the air it's the water all part of it

it would mean more if...

you had less than twenty sides total
if the solutions didn't involve salt water hazy spaces or burning liquid
if your eyes were real and not glass
I tumble over and over and fall face down in the muck
you're busy talking and don't see it happen
I pull myself out, gasping and spitting out murky water and dirt
and hobble over to where you stand, wiping wet strands of hair back from my face
you don't even glance at me as I come up by your side
I struggle to make my breaths quieter, less haggard
I sound like a dying animal
she looks at me and smiles smugly
I shake and clench my fists feel my nails dig into the palms and draw blood
she scrunches up her nose cutely (disgustingly) and looks back to you
I look as well but you are busy conversing with three others through radiowaves and electric signals
I look down trying to keep the devil inside

rewire liar

rewire liar and disassociate the ends
we won't make it over this waterfall in once piece
the barrel will be slats and splinters that we'll cling to with our desperate last hopes
but splintered wood never saved anybody from drowning
your lungs will be so tight and full of river
shredding your throat with every screaming breath you try to take
gargling spit blood and skin trying to ask someone to save you
but it's hard to understand a dying man
one fair hand will reach out and grasp at clumped strands of hair

somniphobia wanderlust and pinpoints

is the subtitle, I haven't changed it in a while.
it's from when sleeping was terrifying for me and so I would do as
much as I could to avoid it.
It was literally a physical experience of fear when I thought about
going to bed.
mostly it's disappeared since then, because I sleep with my other part
all the time.
At night he is always there beside me.
Even in my dreadful sleep paralysis times
I have heard his steady breathing and that is
what rescued me.
now it's time to sleep and I'm without him for the first time in so long.
It's not terrifying but... overwhelmingly sad.
I am thankful for tomorrow.

dear little thing

inside you little box there
can you see me looking at you?

Vampyroteuthis infernalis

how do you describe

that ache inside
it makes salty water leak from my eyes
turns my limbs inward and outward at the same time
my skin is dead
numb tips of fingers and need for nothing
except for touches of your face and
the rest of you
the rest of me
I need this

distant

is that a reused title I'm unsure
I'm in a strange state
geographically it should be and I suppose is familiar
but my mind and senses are drawn in down and confused, sad and missing you
the once comforting things here are now painful and upsetting
I want your dark hair twisting in my fingers
your perfect face picking up hints of blue in the light from the television
all pretenses of magical mumblings have left me but
been replaced by love for you

older

he said "why do you make yourself unhappy, dear," in a distant unattached tone, adjusting the spectacles that had slid down the bridge of his nose. "the rest of the world is doing just fine while you sit whimpering about nonsensical sadness." I bit my lip and looked back down at my hands, picking at the fragment of skin hanging from one cuticle. From his disapproving, arrogant expression, clearly today was not the day.

magic in bottles makes my nights swirly lyrical melodical... mechanical being so far away

why is this

why am i why am i here
I want to leave now I want to be gone

I have things to Say

Everyone's a liar.
You can say whatever you like
but I know this.

Too late for sleeping never late enough to go to bed.
They'll come for you not long after your face falls to the sheet's cold expanse
You'll wreck the atmosphere with your sweat
and drown in it.

Baking in the sunlight and the heat rising back up.

Jump down there to the water it's not deep enough it will break your legs
but it will be so refreshing so delicious for that second in between
and even after if you can forget about the pain.

I fell from a plane once
well that's a lie right there.
But I built one from my bones for you
and I'm hanging from it dangling so close to
la fin.

break it don't take it
I can't even wind my thoughts into a golden strand for you
I'm sorry... that word I say too often and never the right way and never at the right time
that's what you all have said and I'm sick of it and I don't care
I can't make everyone happy
I can't even make myself happy
unless [I'm editing myself it's true]


that was not pretty and it was not nice and it was sad and lonely and pathetic.


what is this?


I'm five different people and I'm losing most of our minds.

I have things to say

but a mouthful of gunpowder and your hand with a lit match waiting is not opportune
please take away the blackouts and the absence of grass stains
gula avaritia and invidia I'm done with them
I have not an inkling of where I'm going or what I want
which leads to prevarication
and more of it

my little skeleton plane is breaking

new post

I'll send it in the mail with my saliva sealing the crumpled brown paper envelope and a faded stamp stuck to the front
my scratchy script streaking your hallowed name across the surface ink splatters from my shaky unsure hand
inside a decidedly cliche and simple statement
Dearest X (your name would go there),
I have been waiting for someone like you
Love, me.
I awake a thousand times in the night to find it's a nightmarish reality of a dream
I've blurred the lines between here and there between now and then between me and you
this and that
it's so trivial, all of it
You don't read me and I don't hear you; I see you and you smother me
I drown and you float on your back to the shore
dear one it's clearly a mistaken case of identity a whiplash romance and a cracked knuckle
I've broken my back and made you a gift from the pieces
wrap my arms around your neck twist my fingers in your hair
lick my back and make me shiver again
you say things in a tone with so little affect
like everything is a curiosity and you are poking and prodding simply to see what it is made of

when

you suddenly realize where you are is not where you thought
did you know that already... why didn't you tell me?
I could write circles of contrails around your world I could fly them
could you fly me
I want the rooftop and the edge to lean over
I need darkness and specks of light, I need smoke and gin
let's walk. let's sit. let's dance our way down to the bank of a river or a bank we could rob
shoestring and pennies and pieces of stone can't make up for this
but I could try to make you a miracle
it's not real
let's swim and fly and balance on my broken skeleton
look out ahead there, hold on tight, hold my face, my waist
look at the sunset that's where we're heading, cowboy

I can't write back to you

I can't listen to you I can't talk to you I can't use the return button on this computer. I miss your face... I told you I liked it and I am not lying. I want to see it again. I want to be there in that room. I'm bad at figuring and sorting my life out and I apologize for that. I apologize for the mess. I don't know if you'll ever read this but if you do... thank you. for taking the time. I hope you see it and know how much you mean to me and how much I think about you and want to have my life work out with you in it. it's all here. it's all there. my phone is dying and I'm going to bed. goodnight

von Einfachheit

is this true for everyone

roman art and architecture, a space heater, some tiles, a chair, a lamp, flowers, a blanket, shoes, keys, curtains
disappointment wanderlust ache

feeling that you've lost your hold on reality, whatever that was
lips teeth tongue eyes hands I need to be there
time warps wraps and loses itself around me I have seen and been told this
is it all falling am I falling
can I eat your fingertips
can I lick your spine clean
can I chew the morsels of meat from your forearms

I'll keep you, broken-fingered skeleton boy
we'll dance

how do you say

those things to me
that no one else would know to say
that I wouldn't even know I wanted someone to say
until it's escaped it's way out of your lips I want
am I a textbook case of a failed success
can I pay rent in pennies corks and pocket lint
a night of wet cold rain and sweat
a morning of dry sunlight and dust
of liquid on the floor
an open door to the sweet awakening outside
I make things up but are dreams real I think they are so I've had some times with you
I hope that's all right
all right
table of contents
water
air
a burning urge to burn life up
need for your face
frustration at the utter unknowledge of life and the rest of the universe
ability to make up words to explain myself
ability to shake at the core and fall down when you say things like that... simplicity
love of rolling down hills
peace and quiet and the opposite things
a vast... avast! cease. desist. but really... a vast collection of thoughts memories and curiosities
curios is a word I like
I'm just rambling now but
it's all right