feigning sleep

I'm sorry

2011-04-04T20:29:00.001-07:00

I have more. an interrupted stream of sparking electrons
whispers tendriling slowly outward and wrapping around me
you...
surprise me
and...
not.

and then again.

and I can't stop

2011-04-04T20:21:00.000-07:00

let's
ta;ke the time
make the ti'me
break time
I want to jump through the surface separating and
live in the other dimension for a while
I haven't figured out how yet but it seems more and more possible
if you ask me again I might make it there
i might never come back

2011-02-13T20:01:00.000-08:00

I have an awful headache from the sniffling. Flickering from the lamp makes ghostly shadows on the walls, taunting my restless mind even more. The sleep is far from comforting and does not take away the fatigue as it is meant to.
My mind wanders over and under, in and out of all the possible nooks and crannies and hideaways of the problems and perspectives. There is a veritable dent forming on the bridge of my nose from spectacles resting their weight there. A knot in the base of my throat from sickness or worry or both I can be sure.
Thoughts of sharp dull searing crackling relief are on my brainwaves. Only moments of despair and shock and then a distraction from the aching of decision-making.
My head does ache so awfully.

the single-cell shark

2010-12-26T20:15:00.000-08:00

"It's not the single-cell shark," you tell me.
But I knew that.
It's a mess and you design it
destroying distant blue galaxies
while sipping on viscous sin.
I bring you a crisp white linen napkin
to wipe your lips
so the cordial doesn't stain them red.
I take care to not impinge
while cleaning small drops of spilled liquid.
Keeping my head down I strain my eyes to the side
until they have an uncomfortable ache,
trying to catch a glimpse of the screens your glazed eyes ceaselessly scour.
I see foreign letterings and faces from many of the known worlds.
You shift in your chair and I dart my eyes back to the floor, my
heart feeling like it has stopped and racing at the same time, my
stomach in a knot.
"You've done quite enough there."
Your tone is cool and quiet, and it sends an awful chill
down my back.
Hastening out of the room
I get one last look at the melange of secrets that is your work
as I pull the heavy wooden door shut.
The bolt clanks loudly and echoes in the dark hall.

night

2010-09-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

I felt my hipbones digging into the mildly soft bed
and started thinking of writing
and then reading the writing
and then regretting

I am an open and shut case of disaster
a myriad of ineligible words, half-told stories, soft-spoken declarations
I thought we were going somewhere
my plane, now weighted down with extra baggage, was cruising along above the treeline
though not so high, it was sweet air that rushed around us
dips into the dark forest started, and I tried to pull up, again and again it happened...
we finally crashed

the pieces are everywhere
I can't even find some
there's rotting flesh all over the woods, entrails hanging from the branches, blood spattered on the fallen leaves
the bones, the bones are dry and brittle, cracking, I don't know if I can rebuild it this time

Perhaps I'd best use some manmade materials
circle the joints with copper wires
find steel plates to reinforce the wings
maybe a control or two at the front to help me with the steering
and to avoid future mishaps and fatal crashes

I need you

2010-06-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

it is all too much for this aching head
the simplest thing would seem to be bed
but even that has lost its appeal
and the only rest would be to feel
to feel the sand underneath my soles
to hear the ocean as the sea wind blows
to smell the salt wafting in the air
to feel your hand in my tangled hair
being away somewhere with you
is the only thing I ever want to do

2010-04-19T14:40:00.001-07:00

that's not fair or nice

2010-04-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

tasteless tauntless wantless skinless
spine-curling wrist-cracking flesh-bruising throat-numbing
licking frosting tainted with metallic viscous liquid
tracing circular spiraling swirls around the dark wet spots in the dirt
"I miss you slightly," I think and push up the spectacles that have slid down the bridge of my nose
use teeth to retrieve a splinter from under one jagged nail
the time? the time?
check my waistcoat pocket and yes the watch is still there
my hands shake slightly as I pull out the timepiece and flick it open
there are the dials, the years months days hours and minutes that have been decided without my approval.
fingers fumble the cover back shut and slip the clock away into it's dark warm home
the specter leers overhead, it's shadowy form drifting back and forth
I make sure to keep my eyes focused downward to my startling savage display
my earthen table set with the special occasion silver
and the magnificent mangled corpse that was your abode

from the notes

2010-04-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

note

push my fingers into the skin of your
arms through the surface to the
pulsing veins and sinews below

2010-02-28T16:40:00.001-08:00

I feel alone.

all my wonder is gone

2010-01-28T21:47:00.001-08:00

2010-01-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

I could sit all day
and wait for you to grace the room
down the stairs like they're
not there
lace your hands in your strings

oh back room breathing
dissipating feelings of static
interactive thoughts and speaking
show me all the way through this thing, love

show me all the things you love, love
show me how to care
you can break each bone with careful fingers
shatter me with breaths of air

it's...

2009-11-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

1, 2, 1, 2
fuzzy inside my head
like a blissful tingling static from a television
tickling my skin my brain spins labyrinths of splendorous thought
do you feel the space there all around you pressing in and pulling out your shape
melt and meld with the humidity in the air it's the water all part of it

it would mean more if...

2009-10-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

you had less than twenty sides total
if the solutions didn't involve salt water hazy spaces or burning liquid
if your eyes were real and not glass
I tumble over and over and fall face down in the muck
you're busy talking and don't see it happen
I pull myself out, gasping and spitting out murky water and dirt
and hobble over to where you stand, wiping wet strands of hair back from my face
you don't even glance at me as I come up by your side
I struggle to make my breaths quieter, less haggard
I sound like a dying animal
she looks at me and smiles smugly
I shake and clench my fists feel my nails dig into the palms and draw blood
she scrunches up her nose cutely (disgustingly) and looks back to you
I look as well but you are busy conversing with three others through radiowaves and electric signals
I look down trying to keep the devil inside

rewire liar

2009-09-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

rewire liar and disassociate the ends
we won't make it over this waterfall in once piece
the barrel will be slats and splinters that we'll cling to with our desperate last hopes
but splintered wood never saved anybody from drowning
your lungs will be so tight and full of river
shredding your throat with every screaming breath you try to take
gargling spit blood and skin trying to ask someone to save you
but it's hard to understand a dying man
one fair hand will reach out and grasp at clumped strands of hair

somniphobia wanderlust and pinpoints

2009-09-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

is the subtitle, I haven't changed it in a while.
it's from when sleeping was terrifying for me and so I would do as
much as I could to avoid it.
It was literally a physical experience of fear when I thought about
going to bed.
mostly it's disappeared since then, because I sleep with my other part
all the time.
At night he is always there beside me.
Even in my dreadful sleep paralysis times
I have heard his steady breathing and that is
what rescued me.
now it's time to sleep and I'm without him for the first time in so long.
It's not terrifying but... overwhelmingly sad.
I am thankful for tomorrow.

dear little thing

2009-09-08T22:09:00.001-07:00

inside you little box there
can you see me looking at you?

Vampyroteuthis infernalis

2009-09-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

how do you describe

2009-09-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

that ache inside
it makes salty water leak from my eyes
turns my limbs inward and outward at the same time
my skin is dead
numb tips of fingers and need for nothing
except for touches of your face and
the rest of you
the rest of me
I need this

distant

2009-09-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

is that a reused title I'm unsure
I'm in a strange state
geographically it should be and I suppose is familiar
but my mind and senses are drawn in down and confused, sad and missing you
the once comforting things here are now painful and upsetting
I want your dark hair twisting in my fingers
your perfect face picking up hints of blue in the light from the television
all pretenses of magical mumblings have left me but
been replaced by love for you

older

2009-08-09T14:27:00.001-07:00

he said "why do you make yourself unhappy, dear," in a distant unattached tone, adjusting the spectacles that had slid down the bridge of his nose. "the rest of the world is doing just fine while you sit whimpering about nonsensical sadness." I bit my lip and looked back down at my hands, picking at the fragment of skin hanging from one cuticle. From his disapproving, arrogant expression, clearly today was not the day.

2009-07-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

magic in bottles makes my nights swirly lyrical melodical... mechanical being so far away

why is this

2009-07-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

why am i why am i here
I want to leave now I want to be gone

I have things to Say

2009-07-12T23:42:00.001-07:00

Everyone's a liar.
You can say whatever you like
but I know this.

Too late for sleeping never late enough to go to bed.
They'll come for you not long after your face falls to the sheet's cold expanse
You'll wreck the atmosphere with your sweat
and drown in it.

Baking in the sunlight and the heat rising back up.

Jump down there to the water it's not deep enough it will break your legs
but it will be so refreshing so delicious for that second in between
and even after if you can forget about the pain.

I fell from a plane once
well that's a lie right there.
But I built one from my bones for you
and I'm hanging from it dangling so close to
la fin.

break it don't take it
I can't even wind my thoughts into a golden strand for you
I'm sorry... that word I say too often and never the right way and never at the right time
that's what you all have said and I'm sick of it and I don't care
I can't make everyone happy
I can't even make myself happy
unless [I'm editing myself it's true]

that was not pretty and it was not nice and it was sad and lonely and pathetic.

what is this?

I'm five different people and I'm losing most of our minds.

I have things to say

2009-07-12T23:27:00.001-07:00

but a mouthful of gunpowder and your hand with a lit match waiting is not opportune
please take away the blackouts and the absence of grass stains
gula avaritia and invidia I'm done with them
I have not an inkling of where I'm going or what I want
which leads to prevarication
and more of it

my little skeleton plane is breaking

new post

2009-07-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'll send it in the mail with my saliva sealing the crumpled brown paper envelope and a faded stamp stuck to the front
my scratchy script streaking your hallowed name across the surface ink splatters from my shaky unsure hand
inside a decidedly cliche and simple statement
Dearest X (your name would go there),
I have been waiting for someone like you
Love, me.
I awake a thousand times in the night to find it's a nightmarish reality of a dream
I've blurred the lines between here and there between now and then between me and you
this and that
it's so trivial, all of it
You don't read me and I don't hear you; I see you and you smother me
I drown and you float on your back to the shore
dear one it's clearly a mistaken case of identity a whiplash romance and a cracked knuckle
I've broken my back and made you a gift from the pieces
wrap my arms around your neck twist my fingers in your hair
lick my back and make me shiver again
you say things in a tone with so little affect
like everything is a curiosity and you are poking and prodding simply to see what it is made of

when

2009-07-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

you suddenly realize where you are is not where you thought
did you know that already... why didn't you tell me?
I could write circles of contrails around your world I could fly them
could you fly me
I want the rooftop and the edge to lean over
I need darkness and specks of light, I need smoke and gin
let's walk. let's sit. let's dance our way down to the bank of a river or a bank we could rob
shoestring and pennies and pieces of stone can't make up for this
but I could try to make you a miracle
it's not real
let's swim and fly and balance on my broken skeleton
look out ahead there, hold on tight, hold my face, my waist
look at the sunset that's where we're heading, cowboy

I can't write back to you

2009-06-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

I can't listen to you I can't talk to you I can't use the return button on this computer. I miss your face... I told you I liked it and I am not lying. I want to see it again. I want to be there in that room. I'm bad at figuring and sorting my life out and I apologize for that. I apologize for the mess. I don't know if you'll ever read this but if you do... thank you. for taking the time. I hope you see it and know how much you mean to me and how much I think about you and want to have my life work out with you in it. it's all here. it's all there. my phone is dying and I'm going to bed. goodnight

von Einfachheit

2009-06-22T23:02:00.000-07:00

is this true for everyone

roman art and architecture, a space heater, some tiles, a chair, a lamp, flowers, a blanket, shoes, keys, curtains
disappointment wanderlust ache

feeling that you've lost your hold on reality, whatever that was
lips teeth tongue eyes hands I need to be there
time warps wraps and loses itself around me I have seen and been told this
is it all falling am I falling
can I eat your fingertips
can I lick your spine clean
can I chew the morsels of meat from your forearms

I'll keep you, broken-fingered skeleton boy
we'll dance

how do you say

2009-06-22T22:50:00.000-07:00

those things to me
that no one else would know to say
that I wouldn't even know I wanted someone to say
until it's escaped it's way out of your lips I want
am I a textbook case of a failed success
can I pay rent in pennies corks and pocket lint
a night of wet cold rain and sweat
a morning of dry sunlight and dust
of liquid on the floor
an open door to the sweet awakening outside
I make things up but are dreams real I think they are so I've had some times with you
I hope that's all right
all right
table of contents
water
air
a burning urge to burn life up
need for your face
frustration at the utter unknowledge of life and the rest of the universe
ability to make up words to explain myself
ability to shake at the core and fall down when you say things like that... simplicity
love of rolling down hills
peace and quiet and the opposite things
a vast... avast! cease. desist. but really... a vast collection of thoughts memories and curiosities
curios is a word I like
I'm just rambling now but
it's all right

sleep

2009-06-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

it crept up and smothered me
where were my dreams and fears
I surfaced a few times but could not shake free from its terrifying grip
if you were here beside me...

I would not feel this aching uneasiness
the falling inward
the

I have an airplane

I can't even.

2009-06-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

I remember staring at your face

2009-06-21T18:18:00.000-07:00

it seemed to make so much sense it was overwhelming but not
it was just what it was
one night one hour we had a week of dates and excursions
I have the ability to warp time and I use it well I think
threats of apocalypse always make it more exciting
dreams are more than flighty fireflies in your sleeping head
there's fireflies do you see them
don't just sleep

cover up your insides

2009-06-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

don't let them touch touch take secret steps around the outside walls and don't disappear or disappoint or discontinue disconnect and reencounter
swishing symphonies of blades of grass play in my ear
I want to roll down this hill
are lights blurry is time a misconception it all seems fine to me
I have gotten used to being confused and spun around and smiling because of it all
let's have another sip and stay for the rest of whatever time is
I wouldn't mind

I'm a mess and jumping over tendons and binding structures on my plane dancing across the ribs and vertebrae is the best time I could ever have
I won't fall it's made of me

facebook in the morning

2009-06-17T04:09:00.000-07:00

if things could change, i could tear out your eyeballs and keep them on a string around my neck. i could slice off your gorgeous lips and carry them in my pocket for safekeeping. tell me love, do you want to fly on my skeleton plane? drinks from the birds eye will change your perspective for the better, you'll see that nothing really matters except me and you

I can't really write about it

2009-06-14T22:21:00.001-07:00

it's too early or too late I'm not sure which one or if they're the same... every word I think of that explains it is too giving away and will show my insides backwards and twisted mess that they aare. it's an uncontrollable rush of moments in my head though and even if I can't tell it in a lyrical line of prose it is making my disposition flutter and yearn for shhhhhhhhhh

ghostboy

2009-06-08T20:17:00.000-07:00

touch my fingertips
you're eyes eat me
you look right in me
I can't stand it
I need it
you make me shake

it's fake is it is it fake
let me know

remove

2009-06-03T22:20:00.000-07:00

I will remove whatever I like
your eyes your teeth your tongue
and keep them in boxes with ribbons for closures
and tiny labels with your name and the date I stole your life

tsk tsk fork tines not shiny enough for my kind
slither down the backside down the spine
tasting sweat and salt and wine
I prefer my gin and lime

is that you

2009-06-03T22:17:00.000-07:00

are you creeping outside my window as a moth
creep into my veins my lungs fill my head up with vaporous love
choking blinding ecstasy and then nothing
we'll die one day.
take my hand and I'll break your fingers for you it feels so nice

feigning sleep

2009-06-03T21:45:00.000-07:00

distance and distants I never could diffuse the possibilities and the flooding dams that were my eyes
I'll take a bite out of you but give it back again take it back again again
we'll dance we'll spin under eaves of green leaves and twisting branches
don't take me too seriously don't take me for granted don't take me
listening to breathing and a fan breathe in breathe in the out disappears with the humming of the blades
I'll pull you in I'll
stop
stop and breathe so softly you dare to
see my eyes see them roll to the ceiling and shut tight lip bite
magic in bottles makes my nights swirly lyrical melodical... mechanical being so far away
relief replaces regret
wind in hair replaces the threat of never being all right
even for a day or summer is better than bad nights I'll take it
I'll see where it takes me
I'll see if you take me

banshee chase

2009-03-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

lush dark backdrop of evergreens she turns to look behind her briefly terror in her eye, frantically searching the shadows for anything that moves

help me

2009-02-23T08:15:00.001-08:00

distant invisible circling trailing drifting in and out of knowing and being something else what is that noise what was that fear climbing uncontrollably all over your skin terrified now then someone saying it's alright like a warm blanket the words cover you and form to your shape keeping the cold and scared out

wake in the night and it's freezing or so hot you're sweating it's dark but there's some light from the window or under the door or a candle confusion and the temperature conundrum and your spinning head make you scared again this time there is no one there why aren't they there what happened between the warmth and this nightmare or wait is this just a nightmare suddenly you can't even breathe and then

eyes open slightly dart left and right and around the shadowy room breath held reach out a hand they'll be there next to you and you'll know it was just a nightmare and you're fine now but nothing there it's happening again again close your eyes and try to wake up again

banshee

2009-02-23T08:14:00.000-08:00

a crack there's a crack in the ice it's growing sliding towards me steam slips between the sharp lips of the crevice and curls through the air wrapping its icy silky fingers around my throat so soft the sinuous twisting ghost of liquid swallows my neck in its embrace
it's choking me make it stop I can't breathe it's getting tighter still this incorporeal murderer this is how it's all going to end I can't scream or even whisper now as the dark swarms into the sides of my eyes and my legs go numb beneath me the ice flies up to smack me in the face no, I've fallen I realize through the dense fog that is becoming my mind move move move please get up get out of here the scent of sickening sweetness overwhelms my dulling senses as everything else slowly dims and disappears

I am aware of sounds but can't wrap my brain around the meaning of them they come clicking and creaking in through the thudding in my head I can feel every red blood cell pounding it's way through the veins in my skull it's a riotous mess that I can't seem to stop or even slow eyes eyelids lift them so heavy and dry crusted from tears leaking out in unconsciousness the smallest opening and I am pierced by light I quickly shut my aching eyes and whimper in my thoughts just let it go for now I drift swiftly away again

it's all the same but different

2009-01-09T08:18:00.004-08:00

back to the sidewalk. the phone booths and trash cans, newspaper boxes all eye you warily, they pull themselves in tightly to avoid your desperate touch. eyes crazed, dart back and forth, around, find something solid, something that will support you, something not spinning and spiraling out of control with bright flashing lights. no not them, we've made that mistake before. follow this crack in the cement, the one with the grime and faint wisps of green trying to make the city a forest again keep walking one foot in front of the other you notice the holes in your dirty shoes your right toe peeks out every time you lift your foot to take a step step step toe toe toe suddenly the sounds are overwhelming the smacking of shoes on the pavement the horns of cars the chattering cavalcade of voices STOP you slap your hand to your head shaking and take deep breaths but your vision goes to sickening swirling darkness

time when is it what time is it.. jerk upwards are we sitting up now I look around but there's nothing I recognize nothing of you nothing of me help help I taste bile in my mouth and remember the sidewalk and reaching out for help and then the hands all around me... but wait that was before, that already happened, this had to be a different time but no the memory feels the same am I dreaming am I reliving the past something is not quite right there were no hands this time and I purposely avoided the people I remember now... how am I here where am I
I can get up. I swing my legs to the side of the small bed I'm on and push up onto my feet. Not sturdy but I should be able to at least make it out of this room. Let's walk now right to that door and try to escape our possible prison.

what are you thinking

2009-01-09T08:18:00.003-08:00

she crawls, reaching one hand out in front of the other, scraping at the wet ground, pulling her weight along the muddy grass, fingernails full of dirt, smudges on her face, clothes torn and smeared with red. almost there, don't give up now, ignore the blackness closing in on the edges of your vision. we can make it, we have to... sweat trickles down her face and breaths come ragged and gasping. her skin crawls with dread at the thought of being caught out in the open field. flipping flashing memories play back in her mind, the order of events uncertain and the events themselves confused and blurred.. what was real, what was a dream... the rope, the man with blood covered hands, the smell of rotting flesh, the dog with one eye, the hotel hallway, the bed, the broken glass from the window...

me-skeleton

2009-01-09T08:18:00.001-08:00

she's taking it out the upstairs window I can hear the scraping on the ledge as she pushes off. I wait, wait... for the tumultuous crash that is sure to follow, for the plane won't fly without the head, which I hid. she's too young to realize this though, and so the afternoon adventure soon to turn death spectacle proceeds. I should yell or make some effort to stop her, but she has been so ruthless with the bugs and bats that I don't care if she falls to her end amidst the bones of the devastated me-skeleton aircraft. Her blood can feed the thirsty ground and perhaps a lovely twisted black tree will grow from the spot and then fall and crush this miserable prison of a house I can't seem to escape.
The crash comes and I shake myself out of the lovely lilting daydream of destruction, and take a step towards the dirty window to peer out at the hopefully horrendous scene...
she sits, surrounded by the bones and sinews, and giggles gleefully, smashing a beetle with a fragment of femur.
Things just don't work out the way we know they will.

Little Alien

2009-01-09T08:16:00.001-08:00

I looked out across the sandy expanse of land before me and exhaled slowly. Stretching out my tendrils towards my bright green combat boots, I felt my leg muscles resist and clench up after the long day’s run. The sun was sitting just above the horizon, outlining the few cacti and plants scattered meagerly in the landscape. Behind me the sky was darkened and a few eager stars were already beginning to show. I wonder how much farther it is to the camp.. will I get there tonight if I go fast enough? It’s dangerous to travel after the sunset, but I wasn’t really worried about that. I had seen enough fights by now to know I could hold my own with any from this planet. There were animals to watch out for… snakes and coyotes and the poisonous scorpions. And sandpits, that you could step on and keep falling to the center of the earth, or so they said. Not that anyone had ever come back from an experience like that. I laughed to myself and decided to keep resting. I could make it in plenty of time if I left just before dawn. Closing my eyes and laying back onto my bag, I half-awake and half-sleepily dreamed about sliding down a sandy chute to the center of the planet.

Batty Finn and the Fight-for-your-teeth Boys

2009-01-09T08:15:00.000-08:00

Take a step back now, Batty, breathe in, out, think this through. The boy lunged at me and without hesitation I swung my fist and hit him square in the jaw. A loud crack filled the air and a hiss came from somewhere out of my line of sight. A thin line of bright red trickled from the corner of the boys mouth, and he glared at me, then spat at the ground. A rush of adrenaline filled me and made the corner of my mouth twitch into a slight grin. In the bloody mess on the dirt were two white, solid lumps. I had got his teeth.
“That’s it, fights off,” a voice growled from my side. One of the boys, the eldest I assumed, marched into the dirt ring and pulled the boy I had been fighting out. He mumbled something to him, then turned back to me.
“Batty Finn, we’re letting you go this time. But don’t count on us being so nice if we meet again,” he said. His face was hard, expressionless, but I could see in his eyes the burning anger and hatred.
“That was you being nice?” I stuck my tongue through the gap on the left side of my mouth where my lovely pearly incisor had once been. “You got one of mine, too.” I smirked, knowing I was taunting. I had taken out nine teeth between four of the boys.
He stepped closer and leaned in towards me, his voice low and threatening.
“If we ever cross your path again, you won’t be walking away so lucky.” He looked into my eyes as he said it and I saw that he seemed to be serious. He leaned even closer, surprising me slightly, and his eyes moved to my lips. I felt my heart beat faster in my chest. He pushed his hand up to push a piece of his black hair from his eyes, then reached it out to hold my chin gently.
“Let me see it again,” he murmered. I stared blankly at him. Of course. He just wanted to see his small victory. I opened my mouth just wide enough fro him to see the still bloody and tender space. Looking a little less depressed, he glanced back up to my eyes, then kissed me on the cheek. “Thanks,” he said, and turned on his heel and jogged back to his group of friends. I rocked back on my heels and wondered at the moment, then shook my head and hastily gathered my knapsack and canteen. I left the clearing with only one quick look back to the boys, who were still complaining and showing off their battle wounds to each other.
As I got farther away I felt the soft stir of air I was so accustomed to, and Little Bat appeared at my side. The other end of my ripped thread still hung from him, tied in a neat bow around his neck. I looked down to my hand and winced at the frayed string that dangled uselessly from it.
Hello love, I thought. Did you watch?
Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Lb thought back. You made them mad. He giggled and I poked his round furry belly.
“I tried,” I said aloud. “I didn’t even get to go up against that tall one, he ended it too soon.”
Scared, Lb said.
“Ha, not likely. Just worried about the gang’s reputation I think. He seemed like he was itching for a good fight…” I drifted off as I thought back to his green eyes staring into mine. What a strange boy, his moods changing at the drop of a hat.

2009-01-09T08:14:00.001-08:00

my plane took off and it was coasting along so sweetly in that warm air until i realized it was made of my bones bound with my muscle and sinew, and i was only my head left sitting on this me-skeleton plane, my mind rambling along on leftover electric pulses which would soon fade.

we sacrifice ourselves.

I have a penchant for teeth marks and fresh blood and a hysterical scratching screaming in my ears
let’s go, let’s do this
let’s dance on the wings of our me-skeleton planes and down drinks while we see the world from a bird’s eye
don’t fall now baby, you’d never make it

I don't like

2009-01-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

that was then this is now_that was never

it's choking it's choking it's convulsing

pick pieces out of your hair try to wipe away the smudges on your face
walk down the aisle avoiding the conspiring toes reaching out to trip you
faces eagerly await your downfall
don't fall down

I kiss your neck and it's feverish searing my lips as they linger
don't lift a finger dear don't pinch the nerves to my heart
best you keep quiet and die with your secrets intact
don't break

When I met the brokenhearted boy

2009-01-09T08:12:00.003-08:00

I glanced down to his thread and a lump formed in my throat; I was overwhelmed by sadness. Dangling there was a heart, broken in two. His string had been carefully wrapped around the two pieces, holding them together, the ends tied in a bow. For some reason that detail made it even more depressing... I instantly wished I hadn't looked, because now I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes again through the grated hole in his helmet. I would know now how deep the sorrow in his gaze went, right down to the broken heart on his thread. I could feel my spider crawling up my arm towards my shoulder, to rest in his favorite spot on my collarbone. He was coming to comfort me... he could feel my pain for the boy. I felt immensely grateful for my spider, and that in turn brought a new wave of grief for this broken boy, who had no companion at the end of his thread, only his damaged heart.

sick

2009-01-09T08:12:00.001-08:00

i'm a dizzying dripping mess i'm melting to the floor feeling nauseated and lost reaching out to people passing by they don't even see me they purposely avert their eyes. it comes up again i vomit bile and blood all over the cement and my shoes a man in a suit jumps back in disgust and then continues quickly on his way there's black ooze dripping from my lips and the world around me blurs as i try to make my way down the street groping trash cans and feeling up phone booths i get a few more blocks before i feel my knees buckle the world rushes away from me through a tunnel like a ride i went on at that park.. and then its black.

heat on my back. fingers hands everywhere i can't tell if they are helping or hurting it's a feeling somewhere in between like

2009-01-09T08:11:00.001-08:00

a cord of veins and tendons that is wrapping around my legs and arms pulling me in opposite directions hoping to rip limb from limb in a cascading parade of red luscious liquid

twisting

2009-01-09T08:10:00.000-08:00

of fork tines
I could remove your eyes
so delicately
puncture the tip of each finger
and lick up the droplets of blood
watch your eyes flood
as I softly saw through your shins
"you don't need feet dear
I'll take care of you"
the flooding breaks over the dams
of your lower eyelids

about you (to be continued...)

2009-01-09T08:09:00.004-08:00

falling
from that high up window i am sitting on the ledge chipping paint scraping the backs of my thighs as i sip a can of diet cherry coke and peer down at the distant ground stretching out below me thinking of the clichéd balcony scene and if she was so in love why didn't she just jump down there and break her legs or her face and he could just carry her off and they could have been together then even though that doesn't sound particularly pleasant. i blow hair out of my eyes and take another sip lick my lips savoring the sickly sweet of aspartame left on them. i feel the edge of the sill cutting into my legs the ache in my wrist from leaning on it my thoughts shift constantly random bursts and sparks spinning like a carousel with you standing still at the center. i want to reach out and touch the pretty animals and chariots but the swirling mess would be render me a lavinia my hands hacked off tongue cut out left in a daze with no way to explain.
tingling in my foot brings reality sharply back into focus and i can see everything so clear it hurts i don't know where to look. as my eyes adjust i drain my soda and crush the can, throw it watch it fall to the street below.

devoted

2009-01-09T08:09:00.003-08:00

there's a cobweb dripping from my ear to my finger sticky threads shudder at the slight draft from the window how long have I been here my aching body stuck in this pose this feigned statue of reality dark bleary eyes circle my mind this morbid dream tortures and taunts me constantly soon the mortician (beautician of the dead) will pull the wires and lift my waxy face into a smile for people to peer at when I lay in that casket on display for the leering jeering ones who come to skulk around the room and snicker quietly with each other about how pathetic my demise was how I sat waiting until my breath just slipped away forever

2009-01-09T08:09:00.001-08:00

"It's all explained in the fine print," she says.
Well that's just great, on the one day I forgot my glasses.
I squint at the papers and try to make out the miniature words, dancing all over the page like rabbits or baby squid. Is that a "spine" I see, and a "while you are sleeping, dear?" I haven't the foggiest what this all could be about.
"Is there any chance you could help me read this, my mind just slipped this morning and I seem to have forgotten my spectacles..." I look at her hopefully.
She raises one eyebrow and then goes back to work. That went swimmingly.
Peering back down at the jungle of words, I search for prey. "Broken," "bloody," and "dismembered" all peep up from different sections. This isn't sounding very optimistic.
"You know what, I'll just take this with me to read over, is that all right?" I ask. Another eyebrow raise and a moment of thought, then she nods precisely and I jump from my chair and run down all twelve sets of stairs to the blistering day outside.

maybe

2009-01-09T08:08:00.003-08:00

We’re supposed to be alone
That way no one can ever hurt us
And we can never hurt anyone else
Maybe we’re supposed to live in solitude
Sit like Buddha under a great old tree
And let our fingernails grow into our palms
While we pray and focus on a beam of light
And reaching nirvana
Maybe we’re supposed to live in the woods
Each in our own cottage made of candy
And we’ll eat ourselves to death one
Sticky sweet bite at a time would
The toothache be worth it in the end

Will the toothache be worth it in the end?

don't take it

2009-01-09T08:08:00.001-08:00

don't take that away I need that still the pieces to make something new
it will be golden and glowing and stained with blood but soft
stitches of black thread help mend but tangle and sometimes will twist and choke
there are slices of flesh laid out there on the platter still dripping after extraction from the rest of you
they will lap up the sauces and with gravy and red life dripping down their chins they'll smile with shining faces and tilt their heads back in a satisfied laugh
I wipe my palms again on the white apron and the smears of death left behind show my sins
hello cockroach crawling out from the cupboard little darling I feed him a scrap of skin
I slump against the counter, chin in hand, and watch him chew thoughtfully
two, two, two, three, four... four, four.. repeat my life repeat my breath my tongue my teeth
they won't stop this mess they won't ever be caught
hello little carnivore
you're such a scavenger like me
hello little cannibals
hello monsters in the penthouse

I would walk all over you

2009-01-09T08:07:00.002-08:00

except that I'm not really like that. My style has more to do with forks and knives and the glow of candlelight on warm skin tipsy turning room makes people feel light and happy and slightly sick maybe it's that lingering taste of blood and sweat and maybe it's that tiny twisted thought in the back of your mind that slight sour feeling in your stomach that you've done the worst possible thing.. but as you sip more and see the laughing giddy faces around you start to swirl you let your worries slip away up up like the smoke up into the smoggy ceiling, leaving morals memories and spines for the less cannibalistic.

2009-01-09T08:07:00.001-08:00

I try to erase my feelings of pattering heart and sweaty palms as I rip your corpse into strands. You are to be served with a dark red wine and then when the meal is done they'll be picking their teeth and exchanging flighty comments about the stocks while your ghost stands there screaming a silent plea for help. you watch them play with the remains of you left on their plates candlelight gleaming in their eyes and fork tines and curse the day you said you loved me.

carnival carrion

2009-01-09T08:06:00.001-08:00

mellow, swallow. sticky pink cotton candy stuck to your fingers I grab them and lick puffy sugar melting as it hits my tongue too sweet flavor makes my teeth ache. where's the metallic taste of blood I've become so accustomed to. I try to look back at your face but already it is swimming in a sea of festive colors. the confection flavor in my mouth suddenly makes me feel ill, and my head spins with the lights of the fair. sicksicksick. why am I doing this to myself.